Everybody wants to be the next reality TV superstar.
You could earn multimillion-pound sponsorship deals by lying around in a villa snogging people or sitting around a house claiming that people have physically assaulted you.
With the huge volume of U.K residents wanting nothing more than to be the next Love Island star, it’s no wonder that reality TV series are fronted by the same voiceless clones.
This is how to be on reality TV in 2018.
1. Be From Essex or London
Okay, so let’s start with the basics.
Almost every reality TV star is from London or Essex. If you don’t already live near England’s capital, or near the place where they don’t know what the capital of England is, then it’s time to pack up your sh*t and move.
Areas in the South West are the most poverty-stricken when it comes to landing reality TV roles, so don’t get your hopes up if you’re a farmer from Devon or Cornwall.
Put down the pitchfork. Start part-time modelling. Move to London and bury yourself in rent debt until you land a gig on Naked Attraction.
2. Have an Ex Who Shares Your Dream
With a huge wealth of reality shows focusing on ex-partners, you can get a leg up on the competition by having an ex who is also on the TV application scene.
Think about it: Is your boyfriend a wannabe Love Islander? Does he have semi-decent looks but a bigger ego? Could you live without him?
Dump that fool and throw him under the bus! Only then can you can apply for Survival of the Fittest and Love Island, secure in the knowledge that your new ex will be doing the same thing.
3. Visit Bali, Ibiza and Dubai For Photos
Now this one may sound trivial, but it’s a must.
Reality TV stars only go on holiday to three destinations; Bali, Ibiza and Dubai.
If you want to run with the big dogs then you have to follow suit. The holy grail of reality TV stardom is to nail all three in one summer, so it’s definitely worth taking out a loan to do so.
Rumour is that until you’ve been tagged in all three destinations, reality TV casters won’t take you seriously.
4. Go to the Gym – Document the sh*t Out of it
Of course, there is the odd anomaly such as Jack Fincham, who won Love Island 2018 with a beautiful body.
But come on – are you that charismatic, charming, thoughtful and nice? Or are you really a bit of b*tch?
You’ll need to fill those personality gaps with squats and lunges in preparation to be the next 10/10 TV hottie. But, what’s more important than your life in the gym is your exposure outside of it.
Get into the habit of posting pics holding your protein shake at an angle, dangling a bag of powder in front of your face and pretending the thickness of your butt is through perfect form and not surgery.
5. The More Cosmetic Surgery the Better!
There are no set rules on number five, other than ‘more is never enough’.
Take Love Island star Megan Barton-Hanson and her long list of surgical procedures – now that’s an idol.
Lip filler and boob job surgery are an entry-level must-have while botox should have happened like, three years ago, darling.
Walk into your local plastic surgery and ask; what can you lift, pull, fill and stretch?
Now walk out a reality TV superstar!
6. Credit Friends and Family for Everything
Okay, so you’re friends are just a generic group of people who have shared interests and don’t completely p*ss you off. And your family, well, they’re tolerable at best.
Rule six in your new reality TV legacy is to make out that your friends and family are the most perfect, supporting and incredible people in the world.
Shout out to them in every other tweet and Insta post with captions such as; “Couldn’t have done it without…”
Literally, you’ve just successfully ordered a cappuccino from Starbucks – “Couldn’t have done it without my amazing BFF Chelsea and the support of my amazing family #blessed”
7. Lower Your IQ
This can be exceptionally difficult for anyone who has basic GCSE grades.
What you need to do, is to delete the section your brain that carries basic information stored from the ages of one to 10 years old.
If you know where beef comes from, you’re probably too smart.
Apparently, you can resit year six in school and unlearn the information taught to you through special Liverpudlian breathing techniques – this is known as the Hayley Hughes theory. Give it a go!
THIS ARTICLE IS A SPOOF, DESIGNED ENTIRELY TO TAKE THE P*SS. PLEASE DO NOT TRY ANY OF THIS AT HOME. PLEASE DO NOT SUE US.