In one of the most bizarre reality TV scenes in history, Joey Essex enjoyed a tour of a goat farm, finding out exactly how kids are born.
As expected, Joey was blown away by the phenomenon of goat birth, finding some pretty unique ways to describe the event.
Joey Essex, a guy from The Apprentice and a goat giving birth … this is the future of reality TV.
— Lisa J Davidson 💋 (@lisajd1977) March 27, 2018
Aw!! Them little goats #FiveStarHotel
— Jordan (@jordlcfc) March 27, 2018
Former The Apprentice contestant James Hill has struggled to connect with the other Five Star Hotel staff having recently replaced Geordie Shore star Holly Hagan during episode 12.
Joey, however, wanted to spark a closer bond with James, and decided to whisk him away to his “favourite place on the island”…
Yup, Joey took James to a goat farm.
Along with the audience, no-one really seemed to know what was going on as a stampede of goats charged into the pen, holding Joey hostage in the corner.
Bless his little woolly cotton socks…
Eventually – and we really don’t know how long it took to rescue the whimpering Joey – the Five Star Hotel duo were rallied to the side.
Joey reminisced about the drama adding “1,000 goats on Joey, it’s not cool” before drawing comparisons from the incident to something along the lines of a mafia film.
It’s a Miracle
The scene continued with one of the goats giving birth, although it took Essex-boy Joey a while to understand what was going on.
Like, a very long while…
Joey said: “Oi, this one looks he’s in pain, he’s having a poo.”
Joey proceeded with his hilarious running commentary of the goat giving birth, complete with “OMG what is that?” and “it looks like an egg!”.
James goaded Joey into singing a lullaby to the labouring goat. You know, to calm it down.
And, J-man duly delivered, busting out hymn sheet two, verse seven, singing to the tune of Away in a Manger with a couple lyric tweaks.
It’s A Mystery
From a miracle to complete mystery, Joey concluded his time on the goat farm with a trail of thought that has most likely crossed all of our minds.
Don’t deny it…
Joey said: “I never thought two big things could come out of such a small little thing.”
The final two episodes of Five Star Hotel air this Thursday and Friday (30th March 2018), on E4 at 10 pm.