In one of the most bizarre reality TV scenes in history, Joey Essex enjoyed a tour of a goat farm, finding out exactly how kids are born.

As expected, Joey was blown away by the phenomenon of goat birth, finding some pretty unique ways to describe the event.

Joey Essex, a guy from The Apprentice and a goat giving birth … this is the future of reality TV.

New Pals

Former The Apprentice contestant James Hill has struggled to connect with the other Five Star Hotel staff having recently replaced Geordie Shore star Holly Hagan during episode 12.

Joey, however, wanted to spark a closer bond with James, and decided to whisk him away to his “favourite place on the island”…

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Yup, Joey took James to a goat farm.

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: JAMES HILL – Five Star Hotel, E4

You’re Kid-ding

Along with the audience, no-one really seemed to know what was going on as a stampede of goats charged into the pen, holding Joey hostage in the corner.

Bless his little woolly cotton socks…

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Eventually – and we really don’t know how long it took to rescue the whimpering Joey – the Five Star Hotel duo were rallied to the side.

Joey reminisced about the drama adding “1,000 goats on Joey, it’s not cool” before drawing comparisons from the incident to something along the lines of a mafia film.

Huh?

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

It’s a Miracle 

The scene continued with one of the goats giving birth, although it took  Essex-boy Joey a while to understand what was going on.

Like, a very long while…

Joey said: “Oi, this one looks he’s in pain, he’s having a poo.”

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Joey proceeded with his hilarious running commentary of the goat giving birth, complete with “OMG what is that?” and “it looks like an egg!”.

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

James goaded Joey into singing a lullaby to the labouring goat. You know, to calm it down.

And, J-man duly delivered, busting out hymn sheet two, verse seven, singing to the tune of Away in a Manger with a couple lyric tweaks.

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

It’s A Mystery

From a miracle to complete mystery, Joey concluded his time on the goat farm with a trail of thought that has most likely crossed all of our minds.

Don’t deny it…

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Joey said: “I never thought two big things could come out of such a small little thing.”

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

Screen Shot: Five Star Hotel, E4

The final two episodes of Five Star Hotel air this Thursday and Friday (30th March 2018), on E4 at 10 pm.