Love Island 2019 is on the horizon and I thought the best way to prime myself for eight weeks of Majorca drama was to enter the villa.
On the game, of course… I’m no way near body ready for slow-mo stomach shots.
Here’s what happened when we played the Love Island game for three hours straight!
- Welcome to the wedding of Hanna Miraftab and Dr Martin – RHOCH!
- Meet the cast of First Dates 2019 – from staff to couples from each episode!
- Where is Love Island 2019 filmed? Have they changed locations?
Rawr this Love Island game is so fun. Addicted already.
— Liam Curtis (@liamcurtisTV) June 23, 2018
Creating your Love Island character
Naturally, a serious lack of self-respect is needed when designing a SIM-like character and flicking through humiliatingly awkward flirting scenes to the sound of the Love Island theme tune.
If that wasn’t enough, the Fusebox designers had overlooked the likelihood of a 26-year-old male downloading their game and had limited the storyline to a sole female character.
I gave the guy next to me on the plane a ‘mind your own business’ glare, offered a little indication that I was going to plug in my headphones, and confidently embarked on my simulated Love Island journey as a strong independent woman.
A woman with seriously limited hairstyle and body type options to choose from…
When it came to selecting my job and picking a position that would reflect my career aspirations as a woman in 2018, there were few roles that screamed ‘Rosa Parks‘.
Considering one of these jobs is sarcastic, the future generation of teenage girls look pretty screwed with these career aspirations – no offence social media influencers!
Meeting new ‘friends’
The Love Island game has you flicking through potential social scenarios, selecting varying responses in order to make new friends.
In a world of Tinder and conversing through Emojis, apparently, it is now acceptable to spend countless hours attempting to gain the approval of AI systems such as Allegra the 24-year-old cocktail entrepreneur.
Fantastic. Please be my friend Allegra!
Having immediately complimented my outfit, Allegra seemed like a complete and utter b*tch, and I decided to spend the rest of my Island time making her life a living nightmare.
Of course, I kick-started this bitter modern warfare by saying “thanks”.
Picking my man – oh yeah!
It’s more than 55 minutes of Love Island simulation bashing before you actually meet the men.
I’m yelping “wowza-rooney” and grinning like a Cheshire cat by this stage.
Check out these perfectly sculpted dreamboats… and people said Love Island isn’t a fair representative of ‘normal body types’.
Each male islander is more ripped than the more tanned last one, and they spend the rest of the game wearing nothing but the teeny-tiny shorts sewn to their thighs.
It makes talking to Mason really awkward.
Like really awkward…
Key themes/morals: Cheating, sex and cheating
I quickly learned that there were three key themes to the game, all based around cheating and sex.
The other girls would open up about their relationship dramas, with the aim of the game to prove that you were listening and answering follow-up questions.
In terms of sensitivity, this game was spiralling out of control.
- Why did Chloe Ferry and Sam Gowland split up?
- Made in Chelsea: Who is Jamie Laing’s new GF?
- Where is Britain’s Got Talent filmed?
A game of ‘Never Have I Ever’
Bu this time, it was evident that three hours of solid gameplay would get you nowhere on the Love Island app.
Fortunately, though, it did get me into a game of ‘Never Have I Ever’.
Question one: I have never had a threesome.
No beating around the bush, then.
Attempting to push the boundaries of the game and enjoying my time as a bit of a mega player, I stood up for every possible ‘Never Have I Ever’ question.
The result was hilarious, although it brought the type of dialogue that I hope no young user unintentionally stumbles across, thinking the Love Island game is about finding true love.
3 solid hours of ridiculousness
I didn’t know what to expect before downloading the Love Island game, however, pretending to be a female social media influencer who enjoyed bragging about her six-some was not what I had originally envisioned.
If obsessively watching Love Island for one hour per day just isn’t enough, download the Love Island game and enjoy endless amounts of ridiculousness, all for the price of an eternity of time.
That and selling your soul to the devil!
DOWNLOAD the game at fuseboxgames.com/loveisland/
CATCH UP with all of our Love Island news and gossip here.